The Medialyser

Soon it’s time for the fully booked circle-jerk that is Cannes. If you (next year) want to go to Southern France and waltz with the paparazzi down the red carpets, here is a guide to how to penetrate the festival:

1. Register a company. Do it yourself or find a company to do the paperwork for you. Name your company something filmish. Toothpick Productions or something. (approx. £30-£45)
2. Go to Festival de Cannes and sign up for accreditation. (approx. £120)
3. Wait for the confirmation e-mail to land in your inbox. Bring this to the festival
4. Gentlemen, rent a tuxedo and buy black shoes. Ladies, I hear that wrapping yourself in a swan is a felony in the eyes of the fashion po-po, so do avoid any overwhelmingly feathery costumes. (approx. £40-£60)
5. Go to Cannes, do cocaine, drink champage, stand like a giggling idiot pointing at Brad Pitt, pitch your shitty idea to a lot of “industry insiders” (the ones who actually listens are the ones who used this method to get access), sleep on a bench and go home. (approx. £300-£900)

This year is full, but try again next year.